Poker is the game closest to the western conception of life, where life and thought are recognized as intimately combined, where free will prevails over philosophies of fate or of chance, where men are considered moral agents and where at least in the short run - the important thing is not what happens but what people think happens.' And where you get big poker players, you get fun and interesting quotes. It’s true that many of the best quotes in poker have come from its larger-than-life figures, but the game has such wide-spreading roots that people from all walks of life have come out with a gem or two. Beer Hand – If you win with this hand, you should buy everyone a beer. Or it will take several beers to play this hand. It has the worst chance of winning a pot of all hands dealt. Send it to the muck and order a cold one. – A fitting acronym for the Worst Hand In Poker. 6-x COMBINATIONS.

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There is nothing quite like being around a poker table for funny or surreal moments. The worst incident I can remember witnessing was when a player tried to fight with the dealer who, when push came to shove (and it almost did!), was not totally against the idea of fighting it out. Most of the time though, things are more cordial, and clever quips and banter which are taken as a joke rather than an act of war, are the extent of the action apart from the poker itself.

Picking out my favorite quips and one-liners I must start with Phil Hellmuth, that shy, retiring poker player who has a fantastic ability to be self-deprecating. Ok, so I’m being glib, he loves himself and is proud of his amazing achievements in poker. I love the guy and so does everyone else, but one of this best ever quotes was as follows, when he was struggling in a poker tournament.

Brilliantly, he really believes that too. There are tons of Phil Hellmuth jokes around, here is my favorite one of the many out there:

I also remember a quip made in a tournament when I played in at my local casino. In general, the play was not that great because the structure sucked and the prize pool was small. Two opponents battled it out in a hand that, from what I could see, neither played particularly badly. The hand was won and the player who lost was left frustrated. He turned to the rest of the table and came out with this gem.

Even the player he referred to laughed at this.

In the same game a player joined late, to the apparent surprise of the rest of the players who clearly knew him but had not seen him for some time. “I thought you’d stopped playing poker?” One asked. “No.” said the prodigal poker player. “I just took a break.” Another player said:

The returning player laughed:

I enjoyed that one too, so did the rest of the table.

I found a great joke from the legendary Benny Binion, who played out a successful career in poker at a time when robberies and cheating were commonplace. He is famous for saying:

It reminds me of the saying that in politics, if you want a friend, you should get a dog. Like me I’m sure you find most people very friendly at the poker tables. But always cut the cards, as Benny recommends.

Sometimes we hear a one-liner or a joke and wish that we invented it ourselves. Often we steal the joke anyway and I admit that on this occasion, different to the last game, I overheard this one-liner between two players who kept us entertained for hours with their back and forth verbal banter. The pick of the bunch was:

Another great moment was during a local tournament that had dragged into the early hours of the morning. One of the players mobile phones starting ringing. He looked at his phone and said, “It’s the wife.” He answered the call. “Hello? (Pause) Yes, I’m still here. (Pause) It’s 2.00am. (Longer pause) She’s gone.” He put his phone away. Thinking about the question she must have asked (i.e. What time do you call this?) we all admired his bravery in giving the actual time at which point she clearly hung up. When he busted he said “I’m off to face the music.” After he left, the remaining players commented on both his bravery and whether he would be able to get into the house when he arrived at home! It was probably bolted shut.

I cannot take credit for this one and perhaps this is for the best. I found this searching for funny poker stories online. It was posted in 2008 by 2+2 user “TheBeatlesWon”. Here it is!

“This actually happened at the table a couple years ago:

I was playing poker in the Casino Windsor poker room. The guy next to me just found out it was my 19th birthday. My sister (23 at the time) was also playing in the room, and she walked past my table to go to the bathroom right about the same time this guy found out it was my birthday.

Guy: 'How'd you like for that to be your 19th birthday present?'

Me: 'That's my sister.' The whole table died for 10 mins, guy was incredibly embarrassed...hilarious.”

This reminds me of when two truck drivers (always male) are driving down the road and see an attractive young woman and one says “Wow, look at her.” The other says “That’s my daughter!” In a poker context that’s a great story and it actually happened too! Poor “TheBeatlesWon”.

Gambling Phrases For Winning

I’ve seen this joke a few times but it reminds me of a time at the end of the tournament where one of the regulars in my local casino won a tournament and had a big cash win. There was a line of creditors that he owed money to wanting a piece of his winnings. Eventually everyone got something, I let them sort it out and stayed out of the way, but when all was said and done the winning player was left with little, if any, of his winnings.

Here is the story in joke form, it’s one of my favorites, supposedly when a WSOP winner is interviewed following capturing the treasured bracelet.

Journo: “What will you do with the winnings?

Pro: “I will pay off some creditors first.”

Journo: “Cool. What will you do with the rest?

Pro: “They will just have to wait!”

What’s your best one liner or funny poker story? Tell us below or on PokerTube’s Facebook page.

Winning Poker Network

This week, on The Ten, we’re taking a look at some of the best things ever said around a card table.

Take a look and let us know if you agree with our rankings. If you don’t, tell us which one of your favorite quotes we forgot to include.

10. There is more to poker than life. — Tom McEvoy

Wait. Go back and read that quote again. Chances are, you read it wrong the first time around. Too often, poker players get it backwards and allow the game to completely take over their lives. Here Tom McEvoy, four-time bracelet winner and 1983 WSOP main event winner, ironically captures the mindset of the average poker player.

9. Limit poker is a science, but no-limit is an art. In limit, you are shooting at a target. In no-limit, the target comes alive and shoots back at you. — Crandell Addington

The quote would have made more sense coming from a young online pro, not Crandell Addington, a guy who competed with the greats during a time when no-limit poker was rarely played. Addington finished second in the WSOP main event twice and final tabled that tournament seven times in the 1970s, making his quote look even more prophetic.

8. It’s not whether you won or lost, but how many bad beat stories you were able to tell. — Grantland Rice

The great Grantland Rice was an American sportswriter who passed away in 1954. But even back then, Rice was able to nail the true appeal of the game. The truth is that the majority of us won’t get rich playing poker. In fact, we’ll probably wind up losing everything we brought to the table in the first place, but at least we’ll be left with a story or two.

7. Trust everyone, but always cut the cards. — Benny Binion

Benny Binion was a true Las Vegas visionary who is credited with the formation of the World Series of Poker back in 1970. This is also a man who was once accused of killing a competitor and then turning the gun on himself in order to claim self defense. Amarillo Slim Preston, who you’ll hear from in the next quote, once called Binion “either the gentlest bad guy or the baddest good guy you’d ever seen.”

6. You can shear a sheep a hundred times, but you can skin it only once. — Amarillo Slim Preston

This was the quote that preceded “don’t tap the glass.” Amarillo Slim knew that it wasn’t enough to beat a man out of his money, you had to find a way to make him come back for more.

5. Poker is a lot like sex. Everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing. — Dutch Boyd

What Dutch Boyd gets correct here is that most poker players are a bit delusional about their abilities. Ask a table full of average $1-$2 no-limit hold’em players who is a winning player, and somehow, all will raise their hand. They’re not lying to you, they just don’t want to face the truth. It’s really easy to forget five losing sessions and focus on the one winning session you just had.

4. If there weren’t luck involved, I would win every time. — Phil Hellmuth

Phil Hellmuth is a poker quote machine. Who could forget when he channeled his inner-Neo to say that he could dodge bullets? Still, it’s hard to ignore the poignancy of this quote. Luck is the ultimate equalizer in poker. It’s the reason why Phil Ivey doesn’t win every tournament he enters, and it’s the reason why someone like you, an average reader, can take down the main event.

3. If you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker. — Matt Damon in Rounders

This quote has been said by many people in many different ways, but for a lot of us, it’s the reason why we got into poker in the first place. Rounders fascinated us and Matt Damon’s portrayal of up-and-comer Mike McDermott had us all believing that we were the next Johnny Chan.

2. Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser — Stu Ungar

Here you have just ten words, but they are ten words that say everything you need to know about the late, great Stu Ungar. The three-time WSOP main event winner despised losing and never took it well. That being said, he didn’t exactly take winning well either and overdosed just over a year after earning his fifth and final bracelet.

1. Money won is twice as sweet as money earned. — Paul Newman in The Color of Money

Winning Poker Hands

If you haven’t seen the The Color of Money, you are missing out. It’s not a poker movie. Frankly, it’s not even about cards, but the quote above says it all. We’d all like to work hard and make a decent living, but the reality is that it’s way more fun to get rich “the easy way.” Of course, it’s been said that poker is hard way to earn an easy living.